Thursday, December 29, 2016

10 Things I Hate about Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story has been out for some time now, and even though the majority of the people love it, I don’t see what the fuss is about. Here is a list of 10 things I loathed about the movie.

1. Bland Characters

This is the biggest sin a Star Wars Movie can have. The classics were so legendary that almost all of the dialogue is remembered and quipped. Even the prequels had some quotable things to say. But Rogue One? I don’t remember any. The only quote which is probably gonna be remembered is Chirrut Îmwe’s “I’m one with the Force. The Force is with me”, which I grew tired of hearing towards the end of the movie.

And why am I bitching about quotes on a movie? Because quotes relate by how much a scene or a character’s viewpoints will be remembered. These characters where so wooden, it reminded me of Padme and Anakin’s acting in the prequels.

Sorry Rogue One, But I will not remember a lot of the heroes. Character’s like the pilot, the guy with the guns, the character Diego Luna plays… didn’t do any new or creative things that stick to your mind. If this movie was stripped of the Star Wars name and recognition, it would’ve be passable at best.

2. Stupid Mom

At the beginning of the movie you can see that Galen Erso didn’t marry her wife because of her intellect. I know this sounds mean, but it’s the truth.

At the beginning of the movie we infer that Galen escapes the Empire with his entire family. I’m guessing that’s not an easy feat, considering he’s a renowned scientist and vital to the Deathstar’s completion. He then settles in an empty moon, makes an escape plan in case the Empire finds them, and when the moment comes, what does she do?

She screws everything.

She confronted and entire team of elite stormtroopers and an admiral, so they couldn’t take her husband. Did she think they were gonna apologize and let them at peace? Was she planning on taking them all down? She just shot Lieutenant Commander Krennic in a non lethal way. It looked like an ouchie moment, only to be shot and killed by a stormtrooper. 

What did she accomplish? The father and daughter witnessed a traumatic event. Jyn becoming motherless at a young age. At least her death served as fuel for Galen Erso to enact his revenge plan.

3. Vader’s Cheesy Joke

Oh Vader, do you want to have a sithcom? It looks like it. Saying things like “Don’t choke on your aspirations” while force chocking Krennic. I know he had said things like that in other installments, but here it felt too much like an episode of CSI: Miami. The pun felt too strong in this one.

A lame pun like this diminishes Vader’s Fear Factor. He just isn’t that much intimidating anymore.

4. Reused infiltration sequences

When Jyn Erso and Cassian Infiltrated the Empire Archives, and donned the clothes of Empire lackeys, I wondered, “is this a tribute to the first movie, or they don’t have any idea how to make a creative new solution to infiltrating the base?” 

I have no problem with knocking out guards an stealing their clothes, they open new tense scenes of suspense on wether they would be found or not, except nothing like that happened.

They just walk around and bam. they arrive where they need to be. The End. 

What’s the point of putting Jyn Erso in those cool imperial clothes, with the batons on her back, if she wouldn’t even use them? I found that incredibly stupid and a wasted opportunity.

5. The Empire’s awful training program

So the Empire has the budget to make a cutting-edge, destructive doomsday machine, but it doesn’t have a good training programs for the stormtroopers? A bunch of them get beaten effortlessly by Jyn Erso, a young woman who trained with some extremist rebels and then on her own.

I don’t find stupid that she is a badass fighter, it’s the fact that the Empire doesn’t have competent combatants that bugs me.

Imagine a platoon of USA soldiers beaten up by a lonesome extremist in hand to hand combat. It just doesn’t add up. Maybe if she had the force or a tactical advantage I could see it, but the only reason is that the Stormtroopers are incompetent.

6. Sci-Fi Technology that’s actually worse than our current technology

I know that the Star Wars Universe is not set in the future. It’s in an alternate world. But why is there such inefficient technology by today’s standards?

Really? You need to manually take out some files on two tubes full of data to send that info throughout space? It seems so convoluted and slow. 

They can make robots with personality but not wi-fi data? 

Also the lasers in this universe confuses me. Sometimes they kill Stormtroopers without making a dent in their armor, but then when Jyn Erso shoots the robot that’s the same type as K-2SO, the blast trespasses his metal body. Sometimes they kill you, sometimes they make an ouchie in the arm? it’s so confusing.

7. Donnie Yen’s Kung Fu

As I said before. I love martial arts and thoroughly enjoy Donnie Yen’s work, but man, there was something that just didn’t click for me in this movie. Martial arts and Stormtrooper armor just doesn’t mix. If feels awkward. That armor should provide some protection, but it doesn’t. They are easily knocked out/killed by it. I would understand if maybe his staff gave an electric shock or something like that. But it’s just a simple stick. Make me feel like the stormtroopers armor is worthless.

Oh wait, I’ve got it. The use of the armor is so that rebels can easily infiltrate their bases. Thats it!

8. Saw Gerrera’s Not Running anymore

Poor Forest Whitaker, he is so tired. Even thought his character had years of fighting the rebellion, he decides he’s done running. He came to the conclusion that It’s time to stop running and face the Empire head on. He then stands up to a huge explosion…and dies…? 

The writer’s could’ve think of lots of ways to make his death hold more meaning. He could say he’s gonna slow them down to let the heroes escape. Maybe some rock fell on his robot legs and he couldn’t move and escape in time. He just had to say he was tired with his worn-out body, and that he was sacrificing for the newer generation. But the way he said it was so weird and out of place.

It’s sad, because I think he had more scenes, but it looks like they were left on the cutting room floor.

9. Gerrera’s Tentacle Monster

“Yeah, we need a scene were a Tentacle monster sticks his slimy little ligaments on the pilot’s head, so the Saw Gerrera’s character knows he is telling the truth. That will leave the pilot dazed and confused in a jail for some minutes until Cassian brings him back to his senses by asking if he’s the defecting pilot.”

Geez, sometimes I don’t get a director’s logic. How was this scene important to the movie? It was clunky and weirdly edited and had tone that didn’t fit the rest of the movie and I didn’t like it.

10. Shooting a Old dude in the back

So the Cassian arc came to a close. In the beginning, we see him shooting an informant in the back, so that he could escape from the Empire. Then throughout the movie he questions the dark things he has done for the sake of the rebellion. Finally, at the end of the movie, at the climax, his arc ends when he shots an old man in the back. Yay for action! Two back shootings in one movie! what a treat.

I don’t have a problem with his scummy methods, but at least make that ending scene interesting. Every other action scene in the end is great, except Cassian and Jyn’s Arc. Just playing dress-up, walking a bit, climbing some database bank and a lil bit of shooting wasn’t that clever.


Thanks for reading. Till Next time.

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